In a 110-to-61 landslide, chess Grandmaster Garry Kasparov has lost his bid for the World Chess Federation presidency to a man who says that he was abducted by aliens. It's easily Kasparov's most embarrassing defeat in years, maybe since a scrappy little abacus named Deep Blue straight-up taught him how to play chess.

Vladimir Putin is a man. He has budding friendships with famous actors Gérard Depardieu and Mickey Rourke—and a deep bond with action hero Steven Seagal. Seagal took to the stage at a pro-Russian concert in Crimea, not long ago. Rest assured, when sanctions fail, the West will hit Putin here, where it hurts most.

Dropping from 33,000 feet above Donetsk in eastern Ukraine, Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 crashed yesterday, detonating into a dark plume of smoke upon impact with a field of bloomed wheat. The second tragedy to befall Malaysia Airlines this year, following the unresolved vanishing of flight 370, dude, it was aliens.