Remember when Michelle Obama murdered Joan Rivers a few years ago? Neither do we. But Infowarrior king Alex Jones sure does. And as always, he’s more than happy to offer the answers we seek: Because she revealed FLOTUS’s secret penis to the world, Joan Rivers had to die.

It seems like every take on Beyonce’s sixth studio album, Lemonade, is just a little bit hotter than the last. Which means that every take probably makes you just a little bit angrier than the last. And apparently, that’s exactly what the CIA wants.

Advanced conspiracy theoretician and herbal tincture entrepreneur Alex Jones has had two of his reporters and one cameraman live on the ground in Ferguson, Missouri since last week. The results—predictably insane, punctuated by long intervals of horrible sanity—defy easy categorization. "Difficult" is a start.

An organization called Fox News is upset that Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl could receive $350,000 in taxpayer monies, if a probe determines that Bergdahl was not a deserter when he came to be held captive in Afghanistan. But: What if Bergdahl was a CIA asset all along? And: How come Bergdahl's dad can speak Pashto? Well:

There's a humanitarian crisis erupting on our nation's southern border. Or there is a ruthless plot — orchestrated by the Obama administration — to irrevocably shift the demography of Texas, and thus the whole country, into the Democratic Party's favor. Forever. Rational adults can differ on this. Let's examine.