Remember when Michelle Obama murdered Joan Rivers a few years ago? Neither do we. But Infowarrior king Alex Jones sure does. And as always, he’s more than happy to offer the answers we seek: Because she revealed FLOTUS’s secret penis to the world, Joan Rivers had to die.

Have you considered the possibility that the United States government wants you to get high today, or at least to talk about getting high today? Specifically today, April 20?

Lotta good conspiracy theories floating around these days. Did Obama’s infamous gang of Pillow Assassins kill Antonin Scalia? Is Trump a false flag candidate for Hillary? Is Ted Cruz secretly still Canadian? Is Ted Cruz secretly still Robert Kardashian Sr.?

On this day, February 2, in the year 2014, newly minted New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio dropped a groundhog from his formidable six-foot six-inch stance. A week later, that very same groundhog was found dead. The Staten Island Zoo claims the two events were unrelated—whether you believe them, is a different matter entirely.

“Hi fellow Avril Rangers”: This is the innocuous beginning to what is, perhaps, the best written statement on Canadian pop-punk Nickelback divorcee Avril Lavigne that the internet has ever produced.

Donald Trump, the 69-year-old New York real estate mogul and unrepentant bigot, continues to dominate the Republican presidential primary polls. Trump’s sudden ascendance, accelerated by his willingness to insult virtually any ostensible ally within the conservative movement, has left GOP leaders dumbfounded. How did this caricature of a Republican politician, who has never held elected office, and whose personal ideology is remarkably fluid, usurp more experienced, more conservative, and better-funded candidates like Jeb Bush and Scott Walker? Within this vacuum of understanding, an almost-believable conspiracy theory has obtained currency: Donald Trump is in fact a false flag candidate whose actual mission is electing Hillary Clinton as President.

Last week, we investigated one of the stranger celebrity conspiracy theories: That Katie Holmes had used a secret entrance to the Whole Foods in Chelsea, Manhattan to evade paparazzi after filing for divorce against Tom Cruise. Over the weekend, we learned something that might unsettle some of our readers: The conspiracy is completely true. Katie Holmes did have a secret entrance to the Chelsea Whole Foods available only to her. Our outré theory about how exactly she gained access to the entrance, however, was not entirely correct. Here’s how she did it.

Are we all slaves to Big Pickle?

The 2012 Super Bowl was one of the most watched television events in U.S. history, with an estimated viewership of 111.3 million people. Three million more watched the halftime show. Madonna, the iconic pop star and headliner, crafted a thirteen-minute-long medley of her songs, a lavish production costing millions. The result was a spectacularly staged performance. The show opens on a stage decorated with Egyptian motifs and similarly costumed dancers as Madonna enters, dressed as the hierophant of an ancient mystery cult, seated in a throne on a chariot being pulled by dozens of "slaves."

It's common knowledge that earth's only friend, the moon, is real. There it is, big and bright, careening across the sky in a dark orbit thousands of miles away. Wow, it's big! Big and real. We know the moon is real because we can see it up there, existing. It's very, very real. But have you ever stopped yourself to really ask—is the moon . . . real?

None of the next five paragraphs is true.

Every year, Apple tempts the world with a new, expensive iPhone, hailed as the fastest and best iPhone ever. You buy it. And then, just in time for the next Fastest iPhone Ever to hit stores, the one in your pocket feels crummier and more sluggish than ever. Coincidence? Or conspiracy?

No one. There is no one you can trust. The adorable dogs you once thought were "man's best friend" have all along been knights in the secretive lodge of the Masonic Elect.